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So I guess I decided to start blogging bc I need some sort of outlet and I'm too impatient to hand-write in a diary/journal. Why would you when you can type so much faster with a keyboard, eh?

So I guess the question is, why randomly start blogging? Well, life is hard. And instead of keeping my problems all bottled up inside, I'm choosing to write them down. I don't think anyone will be reading my blog, but if it helps me then why not.

I met my first and only love my senior year of high school. We had AP Biology together and during the second semester my teacher sat us next to each other. For some reason I was so attracted to him. He's not the best of lookers, at least he wasnt to me at the time, but I was drawn to him. Maybe it was because he kept to himself so much. I was always the out-going type. I could make friends so easily. But everytime I tried to talk to him I could barely get him to say a word. He was shy, to say the least, but of course I took it personally and figured there must be something wrong with me.

Eventually we graduated high school. But over the summer James and I kept in touch [btw his name is James.. lol]. He made a FB, added me as a friend, and started chatting with me. I wrote in his yearbook to remind me to give him my number so we could keep in touch. I gave it to him and we began texting.. All of a sudden we were friends.. Good friends. I texted him all the time and we started meeting up at the park. It was nice having him around.. and I knew he had feelings for me [which surprised me so much]. I didn't want a relationship. I'd promised myself that I would become friends before jumping into things. I'd had really bad luck in the past and I didn't want to have anymore repeats. Plus James is a good guy. He'd never had a girlfriend before, never even been kissed. There was no way I was gonna hurt him. Things needed to go slow.

Our friendship began in July and progressed throughout our first semester of college. I remember when I first started getting jealous when he talked about other girls. Oh man.. what was her name? I can't recall right this second, but I do know she was beautiful and skinny. Two things I definately didnt consider myself. And I remember when we began holding hands.. :] I liked it, but I wasn't ready for what it implied. Poor James. He didn't understand, but he stuck it out with me.

There were times when he was ready to just let it all go.. I remember two times distinctly. He said that he couldn't just be my friend.. that it hurt too much. He hated that I wasn't ready, and I hated it too, but I couldn't lie to him and do something I didn't want to do. Because that would hurt him even more. He always changed his mind though. He said that he didn't want me to be alone and he didn't want me to be with any other guy. That he would wait until I was ready, however long it would take.